I find it frustrating to realize that my reactions are currently based solely on the law. I guess I should expect that they are since that is how we learn and are taught, but still frustrating. So basically I don’t do this or that because there is a rule in place that advised me not to. I mean that is not totally bad but Do I refrain from stealing because it might hurt someone or make my county sad? Do I plan to never miss church because if I do miss it will influence others or make me further from God? No, well not exactly though I may not do these things because the outcome may hurt someone or have a consequence but truly I don’t seal or skip church because somewhere in my upbringing I was taught that we are not supposed to steal because it is “bad” and a “sin” and skipping church though not a “sin” it is still a basic expectation that I attend…I mean the bible says to go…right? And truly that is how we are taught, by being conditioned to do as we are told and to expect a standard outcome. If we go to church then mom’s happy, if we steal then we get in trouble, and the list goes on. We skip the rationalization of the why and head straight for the outcome… this equals bad, this equals good. But how good is good and by what standard?
Lately I feel like I have been working to reach my desired outcome with God; if I read and study and pray this prayer then God will answer me in the way that I expect. I mean if you ask for rain then God will give you rain, right? That is what they teach you in Sunday school, “ask and you shall receive” “God will meet all your needs.” The part we tend to miss is that it is all “according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus.” And if we are solely focused on ourselves we are going to miss Christ’s riches. In my mind am being the best Christian I can, I follow all the rules I am praying for people and being patient. I am working for what I want. This is the problem “I am working” in many ways probably against God. I have basically told Got to sit right there and I will plead my case, but instead of pleading my case to God I have continually pleaded my case to myself and others, making them see my side of the story letting them think that I have been so faithful to God and why is he not being faithful back. The sad part is that many have blindly led me further down my path of action instead of affection towards Christ. The more I do, the more I am entitled to, and the less I see of Christ.
I don’t seek Christ’s love I seek approval and sometimes it is not even his approval that I seek. As long as I can justify that I am doing the right stuff and on the right track then I have done my part. The rest is up to God…but I don’t even leave him any room. I am attempting to line my actions up with a model Christian rather than with Christ.
I find it ironic that this week is Easter since that is really the time everyone focus’ on the gospel. But the realization that the gospel should change our daily walk, it is sad that is feel like this is a new revelation, it is challenging. To rethink scripture that I have twisted in my mind…example Luke 9:23 to carry our cross is not to do it alone, to die daily is not to beat down ourselves, we are to rise above our self-desire and seek Christ for help. And looking at God’s Love I find it easy to see it at the birth and death and resurrection, but I somehow miss it in the life…and there is so much that we were given in the life of Christ. Through his teachings we see God’s heart and through Christ personality see the characteristic of the loving and all-mighty God.
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