My Toes are Freezing

Yes this might be one of the most random titles but it is so true.

I am truly a unique creature, God made me and I wish he would at least let me in on the secrets of how my mind and emotions work. Because right now I am pretty lost. I hold every emotion in until a am about to explode...or I end up exploding usually on Josh, poor guy. Right now I sit here a I realize that all my frustrations are results of my own poor decisions or my own apathy and laziness towards life in general. I am searching for my "place" when all this time I have chosen to not have a place. And now I am frustrated about not having one...that doesn't make sense. We have been studying the gospels and I realized that I am so focus that fact that my house is crumbling in the rain and the sand, that I forgot that I pick to build it there. I want to blame others and point fingers to diminish my faults but in all reality I have fallen and it was by no choice but my own. I look back at the last 8 months of my life and am excited about how God has changed me and made me who I am. But I look over the last few weeks and I sob because I feel as if I have stopped, paused, sat down. What is the cause? My lips want to say I was tired of being rejected, but my heart is saying I just gave in. I went from serving the Lord to doing my jobs. I went from wanting more and seeking to being satisfied with nothing.

My other woe...since I am on a kick this week. Where is my balance? It is funny we played the wii fit tonight and to see how poorly you do after you have not played in a while made me thing. Is this what God sees me as? I was doing great for a moment but now I am a wobbly mess that can barley stay on the board. It is true it takes practice to balance life and work and ministry. But it seems to be harder than I thought or at least remember it to be. I desire to be a part but I am not sure what that looks like or what it should be right now. I feel like my days are filled with tasks and assignments.

For all you readers out there don't worry I will make it I just need to rely on Christ and not myself because "myself" is what brought me here :( Oh and be glad I did not write this yesterday...It was before the realizations!