Well it has been a while since I actually just wrote out where I am and what I am doing so here it goes. The past 2 weeks have been really hard. JP and I have committed to stay where we are with hopes of changing the situation. At first I was confident in our decision, I had been making efforts to be a part of where we are and actually felt that there was purpose to our situation. Well that all changed last week, not our situation but my feelings towards it. I know God has a plan but the frustration of the complete unknown and the perpetual circle that is my life is something I fear I will never overcome. And trust me I know the answers; that God provides, He will never leave us, in Him we are strong, the list goes on. But my flesh taunts me. My tiredness clouds my judgment and my lack of involvement only proves my fear to be true. I know that after two years I should be able to withstand the thought of 1 more but when I try my eyes water and my stomach tightens because we say 1 more year but I don’t believe it is just 1 anymore, especially since that was the decision last year.
Looking forward I have decided that God has something to teach me as he usually does. Though I cannot understand what the curriculum is I do my best to learn. With this step I have decided to focus on God and me not on me and the church. I have recently been so focused on my part, my contribution, how I fit in, and I I I, That I (there it is again) began to get lost in a selfish attempt to make a place for myself rather than allowing God to use me and guide me in the ways he desired and saw fit. So today I start over, with Joy as my focus
“2Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, 3for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. 4And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing. 5If anyone lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who give generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him. 6But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind. 7For that person must not suppose that he will receive anything from the Lord; 8he is a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways.”
James 1:2-8
Because even though this life brings trials and tears I know that my God, the one who will sustain me is in control and for that I am so thankful.
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